How do I help my husband grieve & cope when I'm feeling alone & neglected?

My husband's father ped away Feb. 11th 2010, just 6 days ago from a mive heart attack. We lived with him and are still staying in his house and plan to for a long time. We were all very close to my father in law and are still in total shock about him being gone. We found him dead, in the yard, facedown in a mud puddle on that horrible day and my husband, his dad's gf (who was with us at the time & still is), all seem to be scared and in desperate need of help dealing with this. His dad was such a good man, everyone loved him, literally, and I was extremely close to him as well, he was like my 2nd father. The problem here is, already I feel like this is going to get worse because we've had problems in our marriage before his death & up until the day he ped away, and even now that are still unresolved. For one, his mom's side of his family do not like me therefore we don't spend much time with them so it is a hard and also awkward time right now. (His dad & mom are divorced btw), for the past almost 3 years we've been together, everytime we had a problem, it got back to them (not my call) & I was blamed for everything & my husband was constantly being pressured to choose between me and his family and when he chose me (which I honestly never did that to him), they would tell him I was forcing him to choose & pushing all of them away. The thing is, I know you might find it hard to believe me but I have no reason to lie here & I am extremely deserate for some advice, anyways, I have ALWAYS treated them with respect and my husband and I never had/have any problems unless they started something. The only person that would really take up for me was his dad and in return, they would gang up on him too! My husband's always had a hard time defending me and it hurts me so bad because it seems like everyone else is too scared to do it and when I do, I'M the bad person. I had a miscarriage Jan. 2010 and his mother of all people never even bothered to call either of us and console us, when she found out I was pregnant she didn't even congratulate us. She actually picked a huge fight with my husband that same day b/c I had to stay overnight in a hospital for a sleep study & she wanted him to stay with her...(why I don't really know?!)...She cried to him and I got on the phone trying to figure out how to handle it and all I got in return was her cussing me out & telling me she didn't want anything to do with me or her grandchild! It was seriously that stupid. Right after that, I became extremely upset & started to feel bad, physically...turns out, I lost my baby that night. So you can see how I am hurting and mad here. Nobody even confronted her about the way she went off on me over MY husband staying with his pregnant wife in a hospital and on top of that, I had a miscarriage b/c I believe, of her drama, I was just that upset. Ok so now, she still hasn't offered an apology or any kind of concern about it, even before his father's death. (I know his death is a bigger deal btw, I feel that way...) But after the MC she obviously thought it was okay to continue to call her son and speak with him about who & whatever, but at the same time, she didn't want anything to do with me (she said) and she was saying very hurtful things about me to the family. Now, she's being nice. I don't know whether to go along with her for respect of my husband & his father or what because this is a really tough situation. We are looked down on bc we don't have much money & for our problems with his family while on the other hand his older brother & sister in law (who live in diff. states than us) are praised for everything! Since the death, they haven't really spoke much to me & at the funeral, I felt so alone. I loved my father in law and I feel like bc me & him were so close, they are jealous & feel bad about fighting with me so much so they're too ashamed to speak, but still I think that in a time like this, not only does he deserve the respect, but me & my husband do as well. My husband is getting treated very good by them right now but like I said, I'm being neglected & I really don't have anyone to talk to about it except for my husband but when I tried he snapped on me & made me feel selfish, and betrayed. And just so you all know, his family has actually physically abused me beofre (just last year) so we've even had to go to court against them (they didn't even get in trouble, when I had med. records & plenty of witnesses)...I am feeling so hurt, angry, disrespected and even ashamed bc right now I wish I could just focus on helping my husband grieve healthily without so much tension but it's hard whenever not only am I extremely upset about his dad, but I am uncomfortable being around the people who hate me. I don't want to seem selfish & lame (by confronting them like "why aren't you comforting me?") but just sitting back and not doing anything about it is making this all even harder on me. When I cry or tell my husband I'm upset